Over the course of my life I have been thru some tough days. Days that I thought would never end. Days proceeded by endless nights of sleeplessness and worry and what some might call terror. Oh yes, I have walked some pretty tough roads (God &me) with his footsteps only in the sand because there was no way I would have survived without his carrying me.
So I am not a stranger to this type of pain. Hurt like the gut wrenching pain you experience not so much physically but on the emotional level that transfers itself along almost a cellular path to the mind and body. Like that stomach punch that makes you shake from head to toe and be nauseous at the same time, Removing your appetite and causing a wave of dizziness and headache.
It's terrible though and made worse by the fact that most of these experiences take place in a sphere where one is totally helpless to do anything.
So what do you do in these moments?
What do you do In the times where the world is spinning so fast and there is no respite in sight? I often find the need to completely exhaust all my options and search extensively for an answer when I am fairly certain I already know it. It's just that the only answer available is totally unacceptable and excruciating.
Again I ask, what do you do? Because there are times when I find myself prostrate on the floor crying and talking to my Heavenly Father, begging for an answer I find palatable. I often remind my Lord about the widow in the Bible, who petitioned the judge repeatedly, driving him absolutely mad with her request until he finally answers it. I ask for wisdom and knowledge and beg for favor and/or healing.
Often times God will lead me to scriptures of praise and promise which I cannot help but hope means my answer is the one I want. But when I look back on it hours or days later, after the situation has passed and its time to pick of life's pieces and move on, I find mean something totally different. It's like I am trying to make my will into Gods will because its more convenient and less painful. But it appears the very pain itself may be one of Gods methods of instruction. Not very appealing at first blush but in hindsight might be the best for me. Often like the discipline we administer to our children when they require correction. Or the refusal to let them go out after 12 am for pancakes with friends because nothing good happens after 11 pm.
It's just the adjustment period that gets me. I have to move from the event to the shock and then fight. ( I always have to fight) Then I move into denial and grief and slowly to acceptance then after a time - understanding.
In every step there is one constant though, my Faith. It is what sustains me in times of pain. Funny that when days are bright and sunny I don't rely on God the way I do when the proverbial crap hits the fan. Why is that? Definitely something I'm gonna ask when I get there.
So again I ask, what do you do? What will you do? Cause you know it's coming for you just like it will come again for me. I want to be better prepared for it next time. I want to put the ammunition in my arsenal and when faced with this pain again. I want to handle it better. Is that ever gonna be possible? I don't know.
If I could leave this planet with successfully completing one thing, it would be to have my Children know how to handle this pain. How to survive the worst that life has to deal you. How to take the blow and stand against the waves without collapsing under the pressure. Where to run when you need help. Not the help you get from the self discovery portion of Barnes and Noble but the peace and comfort that only God can give in times like this.
I say this as a veteran of multiple destructive storms and seasons of pain. There is no other feasible answer. It's just realizing anew that I'm not in control of everything, though I really like to tell myself I am. It's releasing my hold of control . Release which is hard for me but is definitely part of the answer.
So again I return to my previously stated question, what do you do? When you boil it all down, dealing with pain is dealing with choice. I guess it's a matter of decision. Choosing what you do with pain and hurt is crucial. It's about survival and character. Actually it's mostly survival. Let the character portion go. Take the morality that character evokes and realize that it's pure survival. And God gets that. He created us that way. Basic and raw with a desire to know why. Almost an anomaly isn't it?
But isn't that what life is? An anomaly?
Like the current commercial of the talking camel, walking thru the office asking what day it is, I am finding myself screaming goodnight to HUMP DAY and so very grateful for his providence and grace. Oh my goodness, the very things I asked him for.
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